Dissection of a Dating Profile

I wrote this profile about two years ago for a good friend.  It's a very unique profile and one that I was happy to write.  I knew him well and felt that I could tell his story.  I will highlight the points of the profile in bold, so you understand the intended composition.

     Yes, I am an inventor.  I’m a modern day Thomas Edison, or if you don’t like him, Nicholas Tesla.  I’m a mad scientist with a laboratory and a dream.  Maybe it’s Dexter’s Laboratory, but try me…I’ll surprise you.  I'm an Ivy grad who survived the technology bubble.  Inventing never gets old or stale or boring.  It keeps marching on.  Do what you love, love what you do!  (This paragraph related to his profile name which had to do with inventing.)

     Do you know what an algorithm is?  That’s the playground of my mind.  Sounds boring, right?  NOPE… (This was to challenge the reader to understand the level of intelligence of this person but also possibly encourage a conversation by opening up dialogue about an algorithm, which was something this person could speak fluently on.)

     Believe it or not, I like kayaks.  Yes…the boat.  No…it doesn’t have a sail and no…it doesn’t have a motor.  It moves by people power.  I was good at it, still am.  I love kayaking and being out on the water.  If you don’t know the difference between a PFD and a PDF, I can teach you.  It’s quite simple really.  (This paragraph highlighted the fitness level of this person and also an activity that he spent a lot of time doing.)

     I LOVE to travel.  I’ve been all over.  It’s a passion of mine.  Airplanes and connecting flights and jets.  I like that stuff.  If you like airplanes…email me…that’s HOT!  (Again...an interesting side of my friend and the phrase "that's HOT!" was to make the reader smile)

    Can some guy who spends his life in a laboratory possibly be fascinating and interesting and romantic when he takes his lab coat off?  Yep… I can.  (Transition sentence)

    I traveled the country for a year as a nomad in search of myself.  Like Alexander Supertramp, I ventured around the country meeting interesting people; people I hope will remember our encounters.  I’ve learned a lot about myself through seeking.  It was an insightful and introspective vision quest that has brought me peace and clarity. (Who he was at the time.  Comparing him to the protagonist of "Into the Wild")

     I enjoy candlelight dinners with jazz playing softly in the background.  I like holding hands in front of a fire with a beautiful woman whose company I enjoy.  I want to talk about your hopes and your dreams.  I want to know about your family and your successes and your failures.  I want to find peace in intimate and honest conversation. (Romantic statement to appeal to his audience of women.)

     A woman’s inner beauty is evidenced by her intellect and intuitive nature.  She possesses a streak of confidence and wild that rivets me.  She looks into my eyes, and I see her mind going at a fitful pace, but she’s comfortable and smiling.  She holds me in her grasp by sheer surprise at her story telling and words.  She makes me laugh when she quips about a mishap with her children or her job.  She’s passionate and I find I want to know her more and more.  

     On lovemaking:  The pleasures of the body and the soul, when two lovers are united, should arouse joy of your spirit.  Making love is an art form.  If anyone tells you differently, don’t believe them.  I want to truly love a woman so that she opens up and unveils herself to me.  I’d like to discover her for the first time, every time. (Romantic imagery)

    The real sexy…  Can you build a fire in heels and a tight, seductive, half priced dress?  Can you make a gourmet meal from day old, manager’s special, meat?  Do you think life is a challenge worth taking on?  Are you ready to really live outloud?  I AM. (Not romantic...just romantically fun but appeals to the female audience that was outdoorsy and down-to-earth)

     My perfect girl isn’t perfect at all and she knows it.  In fact, she’s so imperfect, that she’s proud of that and likes to let her freak flag fly.  She says “Game ON!’ and “Bring IT!” to everything in her world because she has a fearless side, a wicked sense of humor and an indomitable spirit.  (The woman who would have been perfect for HIM)

     Do you have HQ?….cuz that’s what I’m looking for.  It’s that “whatever it is” that makes someone beautiful, wonderful and tasty.  If you understand how a person can be “tasty” in a million ways, you get it.  (This closing statement was intended to get a woman to ask "What is HQ"?  It's the mystery question.  It's a reason to write or to answer him)

Dear Mr. Dating B.N. Serious

Dear Mr. Dating B.N. Serious, 

      I hope this letter finds you in good health (and without a case of herpes).  It really is a shame that you have not been able to open your heart to a woman but expect her to open her legs for you.  I really think that's a tragedy.  

      It has been my experience with men of your ilk, that nothing positive comes from my time spent engaging in conversations or relationships with you.  When I can't look down the road and see a possible future with you, I won't waste my time.  

     I had someone suggest to me that I was trying to capture a man in my web when I went out on a date with someone who I knew had no intention of having a meaningful relationship with me.  I had fooled myself into believing that he might change his mind if he met me.  It's kind of akin to the fat women who pretend to be thin just to meet men.  She thinks that once he meets her, his opinion of what he really wants might change.  

      He was right...sort of.  When I met you, Mr. Dating B.N. Serious, I didn't pay attention to your dating intention disclosure.  "Dating", to me, means getting to know someone and developing a relationship.  If it said "Sex" or "Intimate Encounter", I would have known, more clearly, what it was you were looking for.  I feel deceived too.  

     In the future, I think that you and your cohort, Mr. Dating B.N. Commitment, should put it out there.  You aren't looking to connect with someone real...any big, fat, liar like yourself will do.  I think you should leave the nice girls alone and go find one who smears lipstick on her face to make her lips look bigger.  Us nice girls don't want to waste our time.

      

     Sincerely.... Ms. Wantsa Relationship

      

New Rules- Spring 2014 Edition

What I think is most important for you POF people to understand is that I have had quite a bit of experience on here now.  I have spoken to, and even been on dates with, viscous barracudas and sharks and have somehow survived.  Nobody shreds me.  I still have all my limbs and appendages.  

However, I have become keenly aware of what it is like to waste my time...YES...waste my time...with men whose dating intention does not align with mine.  Dating used to be fun, so if I liked someone's personality, I would go out with them, regardless of what they stated they were looking for.  I can't be bothered with that anymore.  That's just disappointment waiting to happen.  When I can use men the way men use women, I'll get in that game.  

I have had a couple of men tell me that I'm doing dating all wrong.  I should be enjoying men for whatever purpose they might be able to provide me.  I should liberate myself and enjoy sins of the flesh with "whoever"...relax and enjoy myself.  Well...fellas...that's not fun for me.  There are women who embrace that philosophy about sex.  I don't.  It's special to me and it's meaningful.  I will not waste my time...YES...waste my time, having sex with men for no reason.  I have sex toys that can get me where I need to go.  Don't need men for that.  

So...you're laughing...but it's the truth.  Dating for me includes finding someone who I care about and truly want to share my life with.  I'm not talking about marriage or moving in together.  I hate my X...wore my voodoo doll plumb out...(need a new one!). The last thing I want to do, is get involved with another man to that extent.  Please....huh....

I'm pretty.  I'm smart.  I'm funny.  I'm fun.  I'm honest.  I have sharp teeth and I bite.  I don't like to be messed with.  If you are an honest man, who is brave and not self centered, narcissistic or a whole ass, I might like you.  I know you can't fix stupid, so I don't try.

I have a few rules for contacting me. 

New Rule:  You may not be posing with Winnie the Pooh, Mickey Mouse, Ronald McDonald, Hello Kitty or any other such character in any of your pictures.

New Rule:  You may not be showing off tattoos, I don't like them.  

New Rule:  You may not be wearing a floppy hat.  

New Rule:  You may not be shirtless with a toilet very obviously behind you...or even worse...be in a subway bathroom with 10 urinals behind you.

New Rule:  You may not have a picture of your cars or your motorcycles. 

New Rule:  You may not disclose, anywhere in your profile, that you like Nascar, Monster Trucks, Demolition Derby, Hunting, Fishing, Video Games or Pinball. 

New Rule:  You may not take your cat to the racetrack on a purple leash and think that's a normal, acceptable thing to do.  If you are THAT wacked out, you might want to keep it to yourself.  

New Rule:  You may not have a bullet wound in your head.

New Random Rules:  You may not look Amish.  You may not be wearing purple.  You may not look like you are posing with a ginormous vagina.  Lastly...You may not look like a one-eyed pirate posing with a pirate pokemon.  (What WAS that?  I don't get the joke.)  

That just about sums it up.  Was that sweet?  I was trying to get away from sounding cantankerous.

Sample Decent Online Dating Male Profile

Let me start off by saying "Hello!"  I'm your average, happy-go-lucky born and bred Pennsylvania guy.  

I am far from ordinary, or at least my friends tell me that.  I have lots of varied interests but what comes to mind immediately are...I like to camp!  My favorite places to camp are ...  I would love to find a woman to sit around a campfire and hold hands with, roast marshmallows, makes s'mores (I know women love chocolate!  I'll even splurge on ghirardelli chocolate...trust me on this one... It's amazing!). I would love to go barefootin' in a stream with you...and maybe even scare you with a frog!  

I also like to hike.  If I had to name my favorite place (s)? to hike, it would have to be....  There is magic in those mountains and watching the sunset is something I have always wanted to do with the right woman.

I have a motorcycle.  My idea of a perfect date is taking my girl out on my bike and going to ......  Once we got to ..... I would enjoy taking you out to eat at ......  Hopefully, you enjoy the wind in your hair.  

I also like hunting and fishing...but I do understand that those more manly pursuits are not for all women.  I will forgive you if you don't want to be my hunting and fishing buddy.  However, if you like it, let's go!  

I'm looking for a woman who's not afraid to get her hands dirty but can pretty up at the end of the day.  I treat my woman with the respect she deserves.  I am not looking exclusively for sex and I am not looking for a one night stand.  I would love to find someone whose company I enjoy, who I will treasure and who will treasure me in return.  

If you've read my profile and if you are at all interested, please reach out and drop me a line.  I know it's difficult for women to make initial contact, I understand, but if you like what you see and what you've read, I will not think any less of you if you approach me first. 

Good luck to you!  

New Rules!

Someone asked me to re-write my profile because the old one was getting stale.  I think it was a challenge to see how fast my profile turn-around is.  

Ten minutes...tops!

Here it goes guys...

NEW RULES!

IF you are a bi-guy and want me to watch you mess around with your transvestite BFF...the answer is "Yuck...and no."

IF you are any other variety of freak...the answer is "No".  Feet and tickle freaks need not apply...what do I look like, "Tickle Me Elmo"?

IF you like bowling, Nascar, Monster Trucks, motorcycles, tattoos....or you are posing with Minnie Mouse, Hello Kitty or Winnie the Pooh...I have not changed my mind.  The answer is still "No".  

IF you have a kidney stone on our date and mistake it for gas and take me enema shopping...I won't want a second date.  The answer is "no".

IF you have a bullet hole in your head...or you haven't shaved your beard in 10 years and look like a Duck Dynasty Chia Pet...the answer is "No"

IF you message me weekly for a year with more than a five paragraph message and I have never spoken to you...the answer is "No"

IF you stalk me in my local supermarket and you mysteriously recognize me in sweatpants, a sweatshirt, no make-up and my hair up...and you are from PA...the answer is "No".  (BTW...it's also "No" even if you just plain old ARE from PA...you don't have to also be a stalker).  

Lastly...IF you take your cat to the racetrack on a purple leash and take a picture of yourself...and post it on a dating site...like cats are supposed to enjoy that and women are supposed to like you because you are kind to animals...the answer is a big, fat "N.O."!

Everybody else can message me.

Tricks of the Trade-How to Avoid Being Sharkbait in a Clownfish Tank

Tricks of the Trade-How to Avoid Being Sharkbait in a Clownfish Tank

I have been asked now, about five or six times, to help men improve their profile.  I'm sure many of you are repeat visitors to my profile and wonder how I manage to keep it ever-changing and uniquely different.  

I am going to share with you my insights and you can take it from there.  I could be, and maybe should be, a professional online dating consultant.  (Blog in the works as we speak...)

Soup to nuts...  Guys...photos...

Your photo has to be good.  You should be smiling and you should look happy.  Even if you aren't professional, you should look professional.  After all, you are trying to impress a woman.  Showing your bare chest, no matter how clean your Mangroomer got you, is not impressive.  Do you hear me?  NOT IMPRESSIVE!  

You should be looking AT the camera.  AT is not to be confused with down at or up at.  If you are looking down at the camera, the image makes someone looking at it feel submissive.  If you are looking up at it, you are trying to look sexy.  Chicks do that...guys don't.  Looking up makes you look feminine.  

Bathroom shots...goes without saying.  There should be no tiled walls behind you in any pictures whatsoever.  There should be no visible toilets or showers or hand dryers.  I see a picture like that and think "homie doesn't know how stupid he looks!"

Change your main profile picture regularly...about once a week on Sunday.  It works like this...  You have 200 women in your local pond.  On your first go, 150 don't look at you but 50 do.  Change the picture.  It appeals to 50 more.  Change it again, 50 more.  You get the idea.  Women are shopping...  

Guys...change the packaging.  If it works for Coke and Pepsi, it'll work for you.  Sell your product...don't stagnate in the market.  Use aggressive personal marketing strategies.  You are a product, not just a person.  I know the truth hurts and might offend some people, but if you want mass appeal, you have to treat yourself this way.  Every image will not appeal to every woman.  By changing the main profile picture, you increase your odds of appealing to someone new.  You may also get repeat visitors who take notice when they have gone for you twice or three times.  It's the "Wow" factor.  

If your picture is sideways or upside down...WTF?  Change that.  You are acting like you need attention.  It's not funny.  It's annoying.  Same goes for extreme close-ups and any other unusual things you might doing, wearing (or not wearing) or posting.  

Clothing...patterned shirts and bright blues will get you noticed.  They pop out in a profile picture.  A big smile on your face, showing teeth, also gets you noticed.  Being able to SEE your face gets you noticed.  Using a picture of yourself, standing in front of a national park sign in sun glasses taken from 30 feet away is no good.  

Motorcycles, tattoos, Nascar and bowling...  Okay...it's what you like.  That's guy stuff.  Chicks don't like that.  I know men think that motorcycles, etc. show some sort of manly bravado...but it falls flat unless a woman thinks that way too.  My suggestion is to leave ALL that crap out.  Even if it is something you enjoy, leave it for conversation and don't incorporate it into your profile.  It's not important.  

Written profile...not as important as you think, although a well-written profile is fun to read.  The best profiles are sincere and somewhat personal.  They touch on life, career, family and have a brief focus on what kind of relationship a man hopes to find.  If you can quip a little about any of these things, and bring a smile to a reader's face, you score a point.  

Finding your audience...  WHO do you want to meet?  WHAT is important to you?  If you want to meet a woman with children, because you have them yourself, focus on your affinity for your own children (without saying they are all- important).  If you want to meet an adventurous woman, focus on adventure by talking about a couple of fabulous things you have done.  If you want to meet a quiet, passive, gentle woman, talk about romantic dinners out and your favorite books and movies.  There is a technique for attracting what you want to find...it's being what you want to find.  Key fellas...honestly.  

Dating idea... Coffee...no.  Coffee is too well lit, too cheap and too noisy. Best idea...cheap food and no booze.  Nobody needs to go 5 star dining on a first date and nobody needs to give a woman a forum to get plastered.  Food is a nice gesture but it should be simple...AGAIN...I will reiterate...no alcohol.  I'm not saying this because I am a Prohibitionist...I am saying this because no good date focuses on alcohol.  It focuses on conversation. 

First contact.  Never, never, never, never...just say "Hey" or "Hello".  Spell correctly.  Use proper punctuation and write something that makes sense.  If you don't get a response, so what.  NEXT.  Don't write women nasty notes insulting them either.  I know some of you use that tactic to get women to answer you.  Cut it out.  Don't be a complete fu**tard!  Most of us have X husbands for that.  

This will be a work in progress as I think of more pertinent tips and tricks.   Good luck fellas!

PS...  POF is not the best free dating site for normal people, OKC is.  However...all you freaky people should stay here and freak out together.  I'm not encouraging the nut jobs to come over and pollute OKC.

Dating Profile Assistance

Today...I got asked, yet again, to assist someone with their dating profile.  He didn't ask directly; he joked about it.  Nice guy.  I helped him.  

It gave me an idea for this blog.  What if I, help you, figure out how to get a bang up dating profile?  What if I, tell you, the secrets.  Of course some of you will be too young or too stupid to take my advice, but that's okay.  You can lead a horse to water...

Let's start with the few dating sites that I have familiarity with and what I think you can expect if you are using them.  This is my review.  

POF...the jungle, the circus, the zoo.  Hook-ups, fake people, married people, transvestites...the cesspool of dating.  But FUN!!!  If you want to talk to people, this is where you do it!  Tons of meaningless conversation...some of it not good.  Taken with a grain of salt, it can be used for a good time.  

Match... One word.  BORING!  If you want to look at people endlessly and never communicate, Match is the place for you.  Nobody talks to each other.  You pay $40.00 a month for silence.  I THINK people who are afraid to date pay for Match thinking they will be safer there...because they are paying.  Whatever...  

E-Harmony... WTF?  It takes like 5 steps just to talk to somebody.  Ice Breakers and questions...  I lasted about 3 days on there.  I need dating immediate gratification.  

OK Cupid...  Now you're talkin'!  Fabulous!  Fabulous matching system that I believe works!  Great looking site.  Tons of free features.  Very good selection of people and not a zoo...yet.  I say "yet" because, eventually, they WILL leave POF and migrate over...but they haven't yet.  It's still full of really good people!  Hopefully, the freaks will stay on POF because it's easier to belong to.  You don't need to answer 100 questions or more to get the system cooking.  It's too much work for the people just looking for a hook-up.  Two thumbs up for OKC!  

Next blog...  Surviving POF.